In a fog

It was quite foggy here this morning, and I found that fitting considering my current state of mind. First of all, I'm exhausted from a week filled with 50+ hours of work, one birthday party, the mailing of 60 holiday cards, and the presentation of 10 gifts to teachers, not to mention all the preparation for the upcoming holidays. Second of all, the sudden death of a friend from high school left me shocked and sad. And lastly, the recent realization that racism in this country is active at a level I never imagined possible has left me feeling quite serious and reflective. As the fog slowly lifted, I became more committed than ever to living life on my own terms, striving for happiness, enjoying the moment, and making a difference. May tomorrow be a sunny day.

Jimmy Stewart

It's that time of year again which means that "It's A Wonderful Life" is dusted off and watched one more time. What a beautiful, tear-inducing story. This year I was struck more than usual by Jimmy Stewart--his acting and his overall presence on the screen. Now he was a movie star. There used to be something so grand about movies and the actors in them, something that is entirely lacking these days. I don't know if it's possible to feel nostalgic for something I never actually experienced, but I find myself missing the good old days. Sigh. Someday I'll buy all of Mr. Stewart's digitally remastered movies so that I can escape into that world and be swept off my feet at the push of a button.

Somebody to talk to

We have had visitors for the last four weeks, so I haven't had that much free time. But the larger reason why I haven't posted anything for a while is that I've had people around to talk to. Of course William and the kids are here, and I do have friends and other people that I see on a regular basis, but it's not the same as being surrounded by people all day long. That's the hardest thing for me about working from home. Even if I was alone in my cubicle for any length of time, I could always hear other people around me. The opportunity for conversation, trivial or otherwise, was always there. Now that it's not, I need an outlet for my random thoughts. It's not nearly as enjoyable as wandering into somebody else's cube and babbling, but for now it will have to do.

And the crowd goes wild

THE DOLPHINS WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh happy day. This is so setting up perfectly for the biggest upset of all time next week.

Finding peace

Almost always easier said than done, especially in terms of the Middle East. The fact that influential leaders from most of the area's top players agreed to attend the US-hosted summit is a promising step in the right direction. But showing up won't be enough, of course. They will have to be willing to listen and compromise. If they can do that, and then follow through of course, just imagine what that would mean for the stability and security of not only that region but every country in the world. So much hangs in the balance that it's hard to even comprehend the consequences of failure. There's no easy answer, but let's hope they come up with a half-decent one.

Giving thanks

You have to love a day that's dedicated to family, food and football. I'm thankful for the aforementioned "f" words and also for everyone who cares enough about what I have to say to read this blog. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Volunteering

This is one of the most rewarding ways to spend time, and I wish that I had done much more of it before I had kids. I've often said that before I became a mother I had so much free time and didn't realize it. Anyway, once a month I spend two hours at a home for teenage boys who are either in trouble for various reasons or in state's custody. The focus is always some sort of arts and crafts project. The boys generally act like they're not interested initially and then start fighting over the glitter pens. You can see that some of them have had really hard lives, but there's still a child in there somewhere who wants to express himself. I was trying to help one of them with a hanger wreath and confessed that I wasn't very good at these craft projects. He looked up and said, "Why do you come here then?" When I told him that I came because I liked to hang out with and talk to them, he didn't quite know what to say, but I could tell that it meant something to him. That's a big part of it--knowing that I'm making a difference. To be able to be a positive influence in other's lives is a wonderful gift to them and to myself. If you have any extra time, consider volunteering somewhere in your community. It will be time well spent.

In the dark

The power went out today for nearly two hours. Thankfully I had enough daylight left to find matches and candles, because I'm wholly unprepared for such a situation. Couldn't find a flashlight, and even if I had, I'm quite sure it wouldn't have been functioning. Got lucky finding the matches and had to call for help finding the candles. Had to use my cell phone, because the only home phone we have uses electricity. Ate cold pasta (not uncooked, just cold) with the kids by candlelight which they thought was the best dinner ever and then decided to go for a drive. Had to call again for help once I realized the garage door runs off electricity too. Apparently the red cord that I try to stop from passing over my head before I'm able to jump in the driver's seat by running around the car every day actually has a function. I was told that had I been born in 1970 I would have know that, but I highly doubt it. Cord pulled, we headed off to Walgreens. The store that is two minutes from my house here looks exactly like the one that was two minutes from my house in NY. I mean identical. Creepy and comforting at the same time. Anyway, we tried on Santa hats with elf ears and played with squish balls. Probably should have bought some batteries and a cheap phone that would work as long as the phone line doesn't go down also, but why spoil my complete lack of emergency preparedness now? Came back home to an obviously powered neighborhood and breathed a sigh of relief. It's fun for a little while. But as it gets darker and colder and longer, one can't help but think about the CNN interview where somebody who would know said the most crippling and yet disturbingly easy terrorist attack would be a wide-scale shutdown of electricity that could potentially last for months. In light of that information, the dark isn't any fun at all.

The easiest thing

Have you ever smiled as you passed by somebody and then been annoyed/disappointed/curious that they looked right at you and didn't smile back? Well, it has happened to me many times, and it's just plain rude. People often avoid getting involved in other people's lives, but this is taking it way too far. It's not an invitation or a commitment of any kind--it's just a smile. The easiest way to brighten someone's day just for the sake of doing it. There have certainly been days when a stranger's smile offered me inspiration and hope, or just made me feel happy enough to reciprocate. I smile at everyone I see unless I'm completely preoccupied or I'm absolutely certain that it will be misinterpreted by the recipient (I could give an example of this but then I'd have to relive it, and it was very unpleasant). I will continue to do so with the spirit that every little thing we do has the ability to profoundly affect our lives and the lives of those around us. I hope everyone who's reading this does the same. :-)

I think too much

Honestly. And at the moment the topic is changing so fast that I can't get anything coherent out. My brain is a mishmosh (that's a word, right?) of thoughts and memories and ideas, and it's literally giving me a headache. My little lady usually snaps me out of this state by making me laugh about something trivial or absurd, but alas, she is already asleep. I better just follow her lead before my head pops off.

World War III

What a good idea. Let's invade Iraq under false pretenses, threaten to move against Iran because Ahmadinejad's not playing nicely, and then start talking about something that could mean the end of us all. It's about as irresponsible as leading your country into billions of dollars of debt and then borrowing money from China. Or financially supporting the very countries and terrorist organizations we're fighting against because of the persistent, irrational dependence upon oil. The one thing everyone agrees upon is that there are no good answers to our current predicament, but there should also be consensus that the current course of action is not only playing right into our enemies hands but also coming at a price we can not afford.

November already?

Time has jumped into warp speed. Older friends have told me that the speed will just continue to increase with age, and that's a frightening thought. I know I don't make the most of so many moments as it is. Perhaps if I increase my efficiency to compensate? Now there's an improbable plan. Maybe just stop obsessing so much? Slightly less possible. I'm still upset about time I wasted five years ago. Just enjoy the fact that Christmas decorations are already invading the mall? Seriously, can't they just exercise a little patience and put up some paper turkeys? What makes Christmas so special (at least for atheists) is that it's only once a year--the Christmas season. But now it has taken over nearly all of autumn, and most of winter if you count the time it takes for some people to take down their lights. Too much of a good thing is never good. Except for the warm and fuzzy feeling that makes you want to sing carols and hug everybody you see. That's always a good thing--eggnog induced or not.

Grey world

Four straight days of constant rain. I can't take it anymore. If the sun doesn't come out tomorrow, I might give up completely. Who can be optimistic about anything when surrounded by grey? It's so depressing. I can sing in the rain for a day or two, but after four I'm ready to cry.

A new approach

The last few days have been rough. I did go to the circus which was so much fun. But I was struggling a lot with dance and with relationship problems. Today I worked through both of these in my head and found clarity and optimism from a surprising source--sports analogies. Stay with me here. (You can always leave a comment after you're done reading to let me know I'm crazy.)
Dance first. It's really hard to get back into dance after years of no classes. It's worth it though, or so I kept telling myself every time I didn't want to go back. One problem is that I don't like doing things that I'm not good at. Especially not in front of other people. And especially not when I used to be good at them. The other problem is that I'm not getting that feeling of absolute joy that I long for, because I'm thinking too much and focusing on my mistakes. Then I thought about golf. I'm not very good at that, but after an abyssmal round I'm always happy as long as I hit one great shot. That's the ultimate feeling, and it makes 135 painfully bad shots completely worthwhile. From now on, I will leave class focusing on the moments where everything felt right.
Now relationships. During one of the really disappointing ALCS games (yes the Yankees were already knocked out :-( but I was hoping to see Boston lose), one of the announcers talked about a batter being caught between pitches. That's how things have been lately. Behind the fastball and out in front of the change up. Missed signs, hit batters and strike-outs all over the place. I've come close to throwing in the towel, but I still want to win. So I'll stand in there again, and you can bet I won't strike out looking.

Strange day

My days are rarely boring, but today was especially interesting. Here's what happened:

A man drove by the house on a lawnmower like something out of a Vince Gill song. (Yes, I know most of you have never heard the song or even of Vince, but I'm sure you'll agree it's strange anyway.)

Joe Torre gave his final press conference as the Yankees manager. Wrong in so many ways.

Twenty or so people (teenagers I'm sure) completely covered in shaving cream ran by the children and I as we were standing in front of the stables in the park. Hands down the oddest thing I've seen in a long time.

Riahna said a prayer before dinner. Yes, many people pray before eating, but not us. Apparently her teacher taught her the prayer. I'll be speaking to her and the head of the preschool on Monday. I'm accepting of other people's beliefs and customs as long as they are not forced upon my children in what is supposed to be a secular school. Then I'm angry.

I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.

A question of respect

I have been told that I should have some respect for George Bush because he is my President. Well, I don't. And I refuse to consider him MY President anyway, seeing as I certainly didn't vote for him and can't understand why anyone did. TWICE!!! I will refrain from listing his deficiencies and simply point out that he shows little respect for the Constitution, the will of the American people, or anyone who believes that changing one's mind doesn't make one weak. In his press conference today, he trashed Congress, refused to answer most of the questions, and attempted to inspire trust by saying "This isn't my first rodeo." It's a wonder that this country has lost respect in the eyes of the world.

I'm tired

5 things

...that I've recently discovered make me smile
banana pudding
Shia LaBeouf
bucket swings
Ipex wireless
fried corn on the cob

...that have made me angry in the last week
William
Riahna
Julien
the Yankees
Rudy Giuliani

...that everyone should do
recycle
support gay rights
vote
eat organic food
visit Memphis :-)

Dirty Sexy Money

The best new show on television. Also the only new show that I have bothered to watch, but it's so good that it must be the best. It's interesting, funny, well written, well edited, and it has a Baldwin. If you're not from Massapequa you probably won't care about that; in fact most people who are don't care about it either, but apparently I do. The other thing the show has is Peter Krause. Great actor from Six Feet Under and Sports Night who could probably make any show worth watching. So check it out. I have no idea when or what channel it's on because I have taken back control of my schedule from the television by using the DVR and watching at my leisure. Brilliant invention.

One of the perks

There are many great things about having children. Many people will say that the best is that they love you unconditionally. While that is true, I'd like to think that most people that I have a true friendship with love me unconditionally. I've certainly found that my friends are much more forgiving and accepting than my family, although even my mother seems to be mellowing as of late. So the love from my children, although sweet and wonderful and certainly not taken for granted, is not the most unique gift that they give to me. What is? The fact that I can spend much of my time playing, being silly, singing and dancing in supermarkets, and running around playgrounds without anyone thinking that I'm weird. I am, of course, but I don't want everyone to know. Just you guys. Everyone else can just see me as a really good mother.

My problem with Hillary

I can't seem to get on board with Hillary for President. It's not that she's not capable and certainly not that she's a woman, and it would be great to have Bill Clinton back in the White House, but there's something about her I just don't like. Yes, it's partially superficial. She's just not likable. Everyone says that she's better in person, and I did like her when I met her at the White House in 1996. If she does become our fearless leader, I'll have to convince Sam to give me the picture that we took with her. But I digress. I've been bothered by something every time I watch a debate, and I finally figured out what it is: She quite often refuses to answer the moderator's question. The reason she gives is that she refuses to deal in hypotheticals, and that's a total copout. But it's also really hypocritical, because when she does feel like answering, she invariably begins with "When I am President..." Did I miss something? Does a 30-point lead in national primary polls now translate into a guaranteed win the general election? If her chosen stand is going to be avoiding hypotheticals, perhaps she should be a little more consistent.

Man Up

This is my new favorite expression, although it's difficult for me to say with a straight face. Even in the ideal situation where it's absolutely warranted, I descend into giggles shortly after uttering the words. But I'll keep trying, because it so clearly and concisely tells someone to do the two things that are severely lacking in our society: (1) Take responsibility for your own actions and (2) Don't back down or shy away from something you want or have to do (in other words...grow some balls). There will always be excuses and procrastinating, but at some point enough is enough and action must be taken. I'm not suggesting that it be taken lightly, because one must be able to look back and defend it, but I'm so sick and tired of people who are unhappy with their lives and do nothing about it except blame other people or situations. Do I ever feel this way about myself? Of course. I'll give you one guess what I tell myself at that point. That's when I laugh the most.